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The photo for today’s blog was taken in Fort Jones, California, where Jack and I were standing on a rock in the middle of the river at Scott River Lodge. We had our fly rods in hand, enjoying a quiet afternoon on the water. Nothing fancy or dramatic — just peaceful, simple, and exactly what our hearts needed. The kind of moment where you finally slow down enough to breathe again and realize how much you’ve been carrying.
We weren’t just fly fishing.
We were healing.
We were learning.
We were being poured into.
We had the privilege of spending a week at a marriage retreat through JH Ranch, alongside our dear friends Deak and Melissa Hartung. And even after 15+ years of biblical counseling and family coaching, I want to say something clearly:
I still need marriage retreats.
I still need growth.
I still need rest and training.
I still need places where the Lord can gently expose what needs to be set free.
That week was full of so much beauty:
It was humbling and holy…
and honestly, it was exactly what we needed.
And I want you to hear this:
Even strong marriages need tune-ups.
Even godly men need encouragement and tools.
Even couples who love each other deeply still need Jesus to realign their hearts.
That’s why this blog matters.
Because today we’re talking about the struggles many men carry silently —
the very things that can quietly erode a marriage if they stay unspoken.
Not to shame men.
Not to blame men.
But to understand them,
to see the pressures they carry,
and to offer hope and healing instead of criticism and confusion.
This is the heart behind Episode 89
“The Silent Marriage Killers Men Struggle With.”
And it’s the heart behind this blog series.
Marriage doesn’t usually break in a single explosion.
Most marriages dissolve quietly:
not with slammed doors,
but with subtle distance,
slow numbness,
and two people living side-by-side instead of heart-to-heart.
And for many husbands,
that drift happens in silence.
Not because they don’t care.
Not because they’re selfish.
Not because they’re incapable of love.
But because they were never taught how to be vulnerable, honest, or emotionally courageous in a relationship.
This post walks through the silent marriage killers men struggle with—along with Scripture, reflection prompts, and practical steps to rebuild connection.
This is not a lecture.
It is an invitation back to intimacy, leadership, and wholeness.
This article accompanies Episode 89 of The Happy Family Coach Podcast.
But it sits inside a larger conversation:
Episode 88 — The Silent Marriage Killers Most Couples Ignore
The drift, the disconnect, and how distance quietly forms.
Episode 89 — The Silent Marriage Killers Men Struggle With
The internal battles husbands fight that slowly starve a marriage.
Episode 90 — The Silent Marriage Killers Women Struggle With
The emotional wounds and survival strategies wives carry in silence.
Husbands and wives:
Please do not only listen to the episode “about you.”
Listen to all three — together —
not to fix each other,
but to understand each other.
Scripture doesn’t ignore this reality. Exodus 20:5 says the sins of the fathers can impact the children to the third and fourth generation. That means patterns really do echo through families.
But here’s the hope: verse 6 says God’s steadfast love flows to a thousand generations of those who love Him. In other words, sin may echo, but grace shouts louder. ?
Deuteronomy 30:19 also reminds us that every generation has a choice: “I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.”
You don’t break patterns by willpower alone—you break them by choosing life in Christ, one choice at a time.
Men rarely collapse dramatically.
They drift.
They disappear emotionally.
They retreat into silence.
They shift into survival mode.
They convince themselves:
“I just need to push through.”
Not because they don’t care…
But because most men have never been taught:
From a young age, many boys are given the same emotional curriculum:
Don’t cry.
Don’t feel.
Don’t need anyone.
Don’t ask for help.
Just be strong.
So they grow up to become husbands who:
And their wives are left wondering:
“Where did he go?”
Many husbands learned early:
“Don’t cry.”
“Handle it.”
“Be strong.”
“Don’t be weak.”
So they do what boys do when they’re punished for feeling:
they stop feeling.
They don’t know how to name sadness,
or how to ask for comfort,
or how to say “I’m hurting.”
They shut down.
And here’s the heartbreaking irony:
Men isolate because they think silence = protection.
Women interpret silence as rejection.
A wife hears:
“I don’t trust you with my heart.”
“You’re not safe to me.”
“I’m choosing the world over you.”
Psalm 62:8
“Pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.”
If God welcomes your honesty,
why would your wife want less?
Share one of these 3 sentences with your wife:
Not a speech.
Not a therapy session.
Just honesty.
Husbands rarely overwork because they’re greedy.
They overwork because intimacy feels harder than spreadsheets.
At work:
At home:
So they run toward what makes them feel capable—even if it costs connection.
Mark 8:36
“What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?”
Replace “soul” with:
Provision without presence is abandonment wearing a halo.
Give your marriage what your job has:
You don’t get a healthy marriage by accident.
You train for it.
Men avoid conflict because they fear:
failure…
explosion…
disconnection…
being misunderstood.
So they go neutral:
“I’m fine.”
“Whatever you want.”
“I don’t want to fight.”
“I just need peace.”
But neutrality is not peace.
Neutrality is abandonment.
Your wife doesn’t hear,
“I’m trying not to make this worse.”
She hears,
“I don’t care enough to show up.”
James 1:19
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
Notice:
Slow does not mean silent.
God doesn’t ask men to disappear.
He asks them to be present.
“I’m overwhelmed. I need a moment.
But I’m not going anywhere.
We will come back to this.”
That single sentence has saved marriages.
Porn isn’t simply lust.
It is counterfeit intimacy.
Porn whispers a promise that real marriage cannot compete with:
It tells you:
“You can feel powerful and desired…
without ever being known.”
But here’s the truth no one tells young men:
Porn rewires your nervous system to love escape more than connection.
Your body begins to bond with isolation.
Your mind learns that fantasy is safer than relationship.
Your heart becomes allergic to real intimacy.
And the shame that follows suffocates you:
Porn isolates the man…
and punishes the woman.
She feels abandoned, unseen, unchosen —
even if she never knows why.
She internalizes the injury:
“I’m not enough.
I don’t satisfy him.
Something is wrong with me.”
Pornography is not just a private struggle.
It is a spiritual assassination attempt on covenant.
1 Thessalonians 4:3–5
“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified…
not in passionate lust like the pagans who do not know God.”
God does not shame you.
God liberates you.
These are real questions, not religious ones:
Write your answers.
Don’t just think them.
Shame grows in darkness.
Healing begins in clarity.
This is where almost every Christian man goes wrong:
They try to fix their behavior
without understanding the story that created it.
Porn is not random.
It is often rooted in:
You don’t heal porn by white-knuckling sin.
You heal porn by understanding what pain it medicates.
1. Confess to God.
Not as a criminal.
As a son who is wounded.
2. Talk to a counselor or mature believer.
Don’t carry a secret that is killing your soul.
3. Build accountability with safe men.
Not your wife.
Not your coworkers.
Not your pastor’s wife.
Men who know what the battlefield feels like.
4. DO NOT use your wife as your accountability partner.
Your wife is your covenant, not your therapist.
Your protector, not the one you traumatize with every slip.
5. Take responsibility for your healing.
Not for punishment,
but for freedom.
I want to highlight something incredibly powerful:
the book Unwanted by Jay Stringer.
It doesn’t treat porn as “dirty behavior to stop.”
It treats it as data.
Your compulsions are telling a story:
Stringer argues that your unwanted sexual behavior is an entry point to transformation, not a death sentence.
Instead of asking:
“How do I stop?”
he asks:
“Why did I start?
Where is this coming from?
What does this behavior say about my story?”
It is one of the most pastoral, compassionate, trauma-aware resources I’ve ever encountered.
Jay Stringer also created a guided online program called Journey.
It walks you step-by-step through:
It is not a purity bootcamp.
It is inner healing disguised as sexual integrity.
Men who have never understood their own story finally see it clearly.
And when they do, they stop battling fruit…
and start digging up the roots.
It is not “normal.”
It is not “just stress relief.”
It is not “better than cheating.”
It is not “every husband’s struggle.”
It is a spiritual assault on:
And the enemy knows something most men don’t:
You will never lead in the areas where you feel disqualified.
God does not disqualify you.
He restores you.
He renews you.
He reclaims you.
And yes—He heals you.
Most Christian husbands love God.
They simply don’t believe they’re qualified to lead.
They think:
“She prays better.”
“She knows Scripture.”
“She feels closer to God.”
“She leads the kids better.”
So they shrink.
They delegate faith to their wives.
And their wives ache…
not because they want control…
but because they want a teammate.
Ephesians 5:25
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Jesus did not:
He pursued.
He sacrificed.
He showed up.
Don’t preach.
Just say:
“Jesus, help our marriage.”
Or read one verse at bedtime.
God doesn’t need eloquence.
He needs willingness.
If your marriage feels numb, here’s where to begin:
1. Micro honesty
You don’t owe a full autobiography.
Start with 10% more than you’ve ever said.
2. Ask “what” instead of “why”
“What are you feeling right now?”
not
“Why are you like this?”
“Why” shames.
“What” invites.
3. Create structure, not chaos
Have a weekly check-in:
4. Restore physical affection
Not sex.
Touch without agenda.
Hand on the back.
Head on the shoulder.
Hold hands.
Kiss on the cheek.
Presence.
5. Pray together once a week
Short.
Messy.
Imperfect.
Heaven honors it.
You are not weak because you feel.
You are weak when you pretend you don’t.
Your wife is not craving perfection.
She is craving pursuit.
Your husband is not your project.
He is a soul.
Do not weaponize vulnerability when he offers it.
Safety is not passivity —
it is partnership.
If you feel distant, numb, defensive, or alone —
God is not done with you.
Your marriage is not a verdict.
It is a garden.
What you water grows.
You don’t need a miracle.
You need humility,
presence,
and a willingness to try again.
Your marriage doesn’t heal in one conversation.
It heals through consistent understanding, humility, and presence.
If this post resonated with you, continue the journey through the full 3-part marriage series:
Listen to Episode 88 — The Silent Marriage Killers Most Couples Ignore
Then Episode 89 — The Silent Marriage Killers Men Struggle With
Next week: Episode 90 — The Silent Marriage Killers Women Don’t Realize They’re Doing
Listen together.
Heal together.
Listen to All Three Episodes Below
Each episode will be added here as it releases so you can walk through the series at your own pace, side-by-side with your spouse.
Marriage cannot thrive in silence.
It cannot grow where shame takes root.
And it cannot flourish when two people are quietly hurting next to each other instead of reaching toward each other.
If you’re reading this and feeling overwhelmed… or convicted… or hopeful…
just know this:
God is not finished with your story.
He restores what feels broken.
He softens what has grown hard.
He brings clarity to what feels confusing.
He breathes life where distance once lived.
Your marriage doesn’t need perfection.
It needs courage.
It needs humility.
It needs two people willing to try again.
Whether your story is brand new or scarred with years of pain —
you are not alone,
your heart matters,
and healing is possible.
I am praying for you as you take your next step.
One honest conversation at a time.
One moment of courage at a time.
One invitation to the Holy Spirit at a time.
With love and gratitude,
