Before We Begin… A Moment From My Marriage

The photo for today’s blog was taken in Fort Jones, California, where Jack and I were standing on a rock in the middle of the river at Scott River Lodge. We had our fly rods in hand, enjoying a quiet afternoon on the water. Nothing fancy or dramatic — just peaceful, simple, and exactly what our hearts needed. The kind of moment where you finally slow down enough to breathe again and realize how much you’ve been carrying.

We weren’t just fly fishing.
We were healing.
We were learning.
We were being poured into.

We had the privilege of spending a week at a marriage retreat through JH Ranch, alongside our dear friends Deak and Melissa Hartung. And even after 15+ years of biblical counseling and family coaching, I want to say something clearly:

I still need marriage retreats.
I still need growth.
I still need rest and training.
I still need places where the Lord can gently expose what needs to be set free.

That week was full of so much beauty:

• deeper connection with Jack
• meaningful conversations we didn’t know we needed
• quiet moments where the Holy Spirit whispered truth
• unexpected friendships that feel like family
• forgiveness we didn’t even know we were holding
• tears that finally released old pressure
• healing in places we had tucked away

It was humbling and holy…
and honestly, it was exactly what we needed.

And I want you to hear this:

Even strong marriages need tune-ups.
Even godly men need encouragement and tools.
Even couples who love each other deeply still need Jesus to realign their hearts.

That’s why this blog matters.

Because today we’re talking about the struggles many men carry silently —
the very things that can quietly erode a marriage if they stay unspoken.

Not to shame men.
Not to blame men.
But to understand them,
to see the pressures they carry,
and to offer hope and healing instead of criticism and confusion.

This is the heart behind Episode 89
“The Silent Marriage Killers Men Struggle With.”

And it’s the heart behind this blog series.

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Why Good Husbands Drift Quietly — and How to Heal Before It’s Too Late

Marriage doesn’t usually break in a single explosion.

Most marriages dissolve quietly:
not with slammed doors,
but with subtle distance,
slow numbness,
and two people living side-by-side instead of heart-to-heart.

And for many husbands,
that drift happens in silence.

Not because they don’t care.
Not because they’re selfish.
Not because they’re incapable of love.

But because they were never taught how to be vulnerable, honest, or emotionally courageous in a relationship.

This post walks through the silent marriage killers men struggle with—along with Scripture, reflection prompts, and practical steps to rebuild connection.

This is not a lecture.
It is an invitation back to intimacy, leadership, and wholeness.

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Part of a 3-Episode Marriage Healing Series

This article accompanies Episode 89 of The Happy Family Coach Podcast.

But it sits inside a larger conversation:

Episode 88 — The Silent Marriage Killers Most Couples Ignore
The drift, the disconnect, and how distance quietly forms.

Episode 89 — The Silent Marriage Killers Men Struggle With
The internal battles husbands fight that slowly starve a marriage.

Episode 90 — The Silent Marriage Killers Women Struggle With
The emotional wounds and survival strategies wives carry in silence.

Husbands and wives:

Please do not only listen to the episode “about you.”
Listen to all three — together —
not to fix each other,
but to understand each other.

Scripture doesn’t ignore this reality. Exodus 20:5 says the sins of the fathers can impact the children to the third and fourth generation. That means patterns really do echo through families. 

But here’s the hope: verse 6 says God’s steadfast love flows to a thousand generations of those who love Him. In other words, sin may echo, but grace shouts louder. ? 

Deuteronomy 30:19 also reminds us that every generation has a choice: “I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.” 

You don’t break patterns by willpower alone—you break them by choosing life in Christ, one choice at a time. 

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Why Men Drift Quietly

Men rarely collapse dramatically.

They drift.

They disappear emotionally.
They retreat into silence.
They shift into survival mode.
They convince themselves:

“I just need to push through.”

Not because they don’t care…

But because most men have never been taught:

• How to name their emotions
  
• How to apologize without shame
  
• How to ask for help without feeling weak
  
• How to lead without pretending they’re perfect
  
• How to be vulnerable without fearing rejection
  

From a young age, many boys are given the same emotional curriculum:

Don’t cry.
Don’t feel.
Don’t need anyone.
Don’t ask for help.
Just be strong.

So they grow up to become husbands who:

• Overwork
  
• Withdraw
  
• Numb themselves
  
• Escape
  
• Avoid
  
• Secretly collapse
  

And their wives are left wondering:

“Where did he go?”

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Silent Marriage Killer #1:
Emotional Isolation Disguised as Strength

Many husbands learned early:
“Don’t cry.”
“Handle it.”
“Be strong.”
“Don’t be weak.”

So they do what boys do when they’re punished for feeling:
they stop feeling.

They don’t know how to name sadness,
or how to ask for comfort,
or how to say “I’m hurting.”

They shut down.

And here’s the heartbreaking irony:

Men isolate because they think silence = protection.
Women interpret silence as rejection.

A wife hears:

“I don’t trust you with my heart.”
“You’re not safe to me.”
“I’m choosing the world over you.”

Psalm 62:8

“Pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.”

If God welcomes your honesty,
why would your wife want less?

Reflection Prompts

• When was the first time I learned to swallow my emotions?
  
• Who taught me that asking for help was weakness?
  
• What emotion is hardest for me to express: sadness, fear, shame, or anger?
  
• Who in my life has been a safe place to share—ever?
  

Practical Step (Do this tonight)

Share one of these 3 sentences with your wife:

• “I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know how to fix it.”
  
• “I’m scared I’ll fail and you’ll be disappointed.”
  
• “I don’t know how to talk about this, but I want to try.”
  

Not a speech.
Not a therapy session.
Just honesty.

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Silent Marriage Killer #2:
Workaholism Disguised as “Providing”

Husbands rarely overwork because they’re greedy.
They overwork because intimacy feels harder than spreadsheets.

At work:

• They feel competent
  
• They get affirmation
  
• They know the rules
  
• They know how to win
  

At home:

• They feel unqualified
  
• They fear disappointing their wives
  
• They fear being exposed emotionally
  
• They don’t know how to succeed
  

So they run toward what makes them feel capable—even if it costs connection.

Mark 8:36

“What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?”

Replace “soul” with:

• your wife
  
• your joy
  
• your kids
  
• your marriage
  
• your future
  

Provision without presence is abandonment wearing a halo.

Reflection Prompts

• Where do I feel most competent: work or home?
  
• Do I run toward productivity because emotional vulnerability scares me?
  
• Does my family get my leftovers?
  

Practical Step

Give your marriage what your job has:

• Calendar time
  
• Goals
  
• Check-ins
  
• Investment
  
• Growth plans
  

You don’t get a healthy marriage by accident.
You train for it.

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Silent Marriage Killer #3:
Passive Conflict Avoidance

Men avoid conflict because they fear:
failure…
explosion…
disconnection…
being misunderstood.

So they go neutral:
“I’m fine.”
“Whatever you want.”
“I don’t want to fight.”
“I just need peace.”

But neutrality is not peace.

Neutrality is abandonment.

Your wife doesn’t hear,
“I’m trying not to make this worse.”

She hears,
“I don’t care enough to show up.”

James 1:19

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”

Notice:
Slow does not mean silent.

God doesn’t ask men to disappear.
He asks them to be present.

Reflection Prompts

• What conflict style did I see growing up?
  
• Did anyone ever model healthy disagreement for me?
  
• When I shut down, is it fear… or control?
  

Practical Step (say this next time emotions rise)

“I’m overwhelmed. I need a moment.
But I’m not going anywhere.
We will come back to this.”

That single sentence has saved marriages.

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Silent Marriage Killer #4:
Pornography and Secret Shame

Porn isn’t simply lust.
It is counterfeit intimacy.

Porn whispers a promise that real marriage cannot compete with:

• pleasure without responsibility
• intimacy without vulnerability
• connection without risk
• fantasy without rejection

It tells you:

“You can feel powerful and desired…
without ever being known.”

But here’s the truth no one tells young men:

Porn rewires your nervous system to love escape more than connection.

Your body begins to bond with isolation.
Your mind learns that fantasy is safer than relationship.
Your heart becomes allergic to real intimacy.

And the shame that follows suffocates you:

• You avoid prayer
• You retreat sexually
• You avoid spiritual leadership
• You stop pursuing your wife
• You feel disqualified as a husband
• You silently decide, “I am beyond redemption.”

Porn isolates the man…
and punishes the woman.

She feels abandoned, unseen, unchosen —
even if she never knows why.

She internalizes the injury:

“I’m not enough.
I don’t satisfy him.
Something is wrong with me.”

Pornography is not just a private struggle.
It is a spiritual assassination attempt on covenant.

1 Thessalonians 4:3–5

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified…
not in passionate lust like the pagans who do not know God.”

God does not shame you.
God liberates you.

Reflection Prompts

These are real questions, not religious ones:

• When do I turn to porn — boredom, stress, loneliness, exhaustion, anger?
  
• What lie does porn temporarily soothe?
  • “I’m desirable.”
  • “I’m in control.”
  • “I matter.”
  • “I can escape judgment.”
    
• What am I afraid would happen if I chose vulnerability instead of fantasy?
  
• Who is safe enough to confess to — without fear of condemnation or exposure?

Write your answers.
Don’t just think them.
Shame grows in darkness.
Healing begins in clarity.

Your Story Matters — Not Just Your Behavior

This is where almost every Christian man goes wrong:
They try to fix their behavior
without understanding the story that created it.

Porn is not random.

It is often rooted in:

• childhood wounds
• rejection
• abandonment
• a need for power
• emotional starvation
• unresolved shame
• attachment wounds
• trauma
• performance anxiety
• perfectionism

You don’t heal porn by white-knuckling sin.
You heal porn by understanding what pain it medicates.

Practical Freedom Plan

1. Confess to God.
Not as a criminal.
As a son who is wounded.

2. Talk to a counselor or mature believer.
Don’t carry a secret that is killing your soul.

3. Build accountability with safe men.
Not your wife.
Not your coworkers.
Not your pastor’s wife.
Men who know what the battlefield feels like.

4. DO NOT use your wife as your accountability partner.
Your wife is your covenant, not your therapist.
Your protector, not the one you traumatize with every slip.

5. Take responsibility for your healing.
Not for punishment,
but for freedom.

Recommended Resource: Unwanted by Jay Stringer

I want to highlight something incredibly powerful:
the book Unwanted by Jay Stringer.

It doesn’t treat porn as “dirty behavior to stop.”
It treats it as data.

Your compulsions are telling a story:

• Your childhood pain
• Your early relational wounds
• Your unmet emotional needs
• The places you’ve never been seen
• The shame you internalized instead of healing

Stringer argues that your unwanted sexual behavior is an entry point to transformation, not a death sentence.

Instead of asking:

“How do I stop?”
he asks:
“Why did I start?
Where is this coming from?
What does this behavior say about my story?”

It is one of the most pastoral, compassionate, trauma-aware resources I’ve ever encountered.

His Online Course: Journey

Jay Stringer also created a guided online program called Journey.

It walks you step-by-step through:

• Your sexual history and core wounds
• The beliefs you formed about your body and worth
• The scripts you inherited from childhood
• The patterns your brain formed to protect you
• The places where repentance is needed
• The places where compassion is essential
• How to break cycles with wisdom, not violence

It is not a purity bootcamp.
It is inner healing disguised as sexual integrity.

Men who have never understood their own story finally see it clearly.
And when they do, they stop battling fruit…
and start digging up the roots.

Porn is not “just a guy thing.”

It is not “normal.”
It is not “just stress relief.”
It is not “better than cheating.”
It is not “every husband’s struggle.”

It is a spiritual assault on:

• your identity
• your leadership
• your marriage
• your legacy

And the enemy knows something most men don’t:

You will never lead in the areas where you feel disqualified.

God does not disqualify you.
He restores you.
He renews you.
He reclaims you.

And yes—He heals you.

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Silent Marriage Killer #5: Spiritual Passivity

Most Christian husbands love God.
They simply don’t believe they’re qualified to lead.

They think:
“She prays better.”
“She knows Scripture.”
“She feels closer to God.”
“She leads the kids better.”

So they shrink.

They delegate faith to their wives.

And their wives ache…
not because they want control…
but because they want a teammate.

Ephesians 5:25

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Jesus did not:

• withdraw
  
• disappear
  
• outsource intimacy
  
• stay comfortable
  

He pursued.
He sacrificed.
He showed up.

Reflection Prompts

• Where do I feel spiritually insecure?
  
• Who told me leadership = perfection?
  
• What would “showing up” look like this week?
  

Practical Step

Don’t preach.

Just say:

“Jesus, help our marriage.”

Or read one verse at bedtime.

God doesn’t need eloquence.
He needs willingness.

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Tools for Rebuilding Connection After Emotional Distance

If your marriage feels numb, here’s where to begin:

1. Micro honesty

You don’t owe a full autobiography.
Start with 10% more than you’ve ever said.

2. Ask “what” instead of “why”

“What are you feeling right now?”
not
“Why are you like this?”

“Why” shames.
“What” invites.

3. Create structure, not chaos

Have a weekly check-in:

• What did I carry emotionally this week?
  
• What drained me?
  
• Where did I feel alone?
  
• What do I need from you?
  

4. Restore physical affection

Not sex.
Touch without agenda.

Hand on the back.
Head on the shoulder.
Hold hands.
Kiss on the cheek.
Presence.

5. Pray together once a week

Short.
Messy.
Imperfect.

Heaven honors it.

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If You’re a Husband

You are not weak because you feel.
You are weak when you pretend you don’t.

Your wife is not craving perfection.
She is craving pursuit.

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If You’re a Wife

Your husband is not your project.
He is a soul.

Do not weaponize vulnerability when he offers it.
Safety is not passivity —
it is partnership.

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Encouragement

If you feel distant, numb, defensive, or alone —
God is not done with you.

Your marriage is not a verdict.
It is a garden.
What you water grows.

You don’t need a miracle.
You need humility,
presence,
and a willingness to try again.

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Ready for the next step?

Your marriage doesn’t heal in one conversation.
It heals through consistent understanding, humility, and presence.

If this post resonated with you, continue the journey through the full 3-part marriage series:

Listen to Episode 88 — The Silent Marriage Killers Most Couples Ignore
Then Episode 89 — The Silent Marriage Killers Men Struggle With
Next week: Episode 90 — The Silent Marriage Killers Women Don’t Realize They’re Doing

Listen together.
Heal together.

Listen to All Three Episodes Below

Each episode will be added here as it releases so you can walk through the series at your own pace, side-by-side with your spouse.

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A Final Word From Me

Marriage cannot thrive in silence.
It cannot grow where shame takes root.
And it cannot flourish when two people are quietly hurting next to each other instead of reaching toward each other.

If you’re reading this and feeling overwhelmed… or convicted… or hopeful…
just know this:

God is not finished with your story.

He restores what feels broken.
He softens what has grown hard.
He brings clarity to what feels confusing.
He breathes life where distance once lived.

Your marriage doesn’t need perfection.
It needs courage.
It needs humility.
It needs two people willing to try again.

Whether your story is brand new or scarred with years of pain —
you are not alone,
your heart matters,
and healing is possible.

I am praying for you as you take your next step.
One honest conversation at a time.
One moment of courage at a time.
One invitation to the Holy Spirit at a time.

With love and gratitude,